Episode 82 – Will Wonders Never Small


In this very awful special episode, Kris and Mikey dive deep into pop culture — some more pop than others.

  • The Star Wars Episode VII trailer discussed! And check out the Movies with Mikey on this below.
  • A quiz that looks deep into Kris’ childhood. Perhaps the childhoods of us all.
  • A very special dramatic Small Wonder fanfic reading. We did not write the fanfic.
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46 Responses to Episode 82 – Will Wonders Never Small

  1. veryfinestlions says:

    That fanfic was truly, uh, something special.

    Also, just for completeness' sake, if anyone else was wondering: the last episode of Small Wonder apparently is "To help Brandon get promoted to a job in Japan, Joan pretends that she's his estranged wife and that Vicki and Jamie are their kids." Doesn't really have the same flair as the burial idea.

    (That's the last episode aired. The one with the last production number has the cast give different accounts of a burglary and is correspondingly titled "Rashomon".)

  2. Kyle_Douglas says:

    Every once in a great while there is an episode for which no words can do your reaction justice.

    – Kyle "Pretty Much the Wiki of Chainsawsuit Podcast Knowledge" Douglas

  3. SCH says:

    Kris – did that commercial idea come to you when you visited Beecher's in Pike Place Market? it immediately jumped into my head because I just remember watching the cheese being made and thinking "you're letting the vats overflow all over the floors!" Damn, that's some wet cheese.

    • krisstraub says:

      ha ha — honestly, most of the commercials are from me driving around and suddenly i'll go "thanks for buying my wet cheese." then i figure out what it's supposed to mean.

  4. LMcCJ says:

    Imagine me, sitting here repeating to myself, "Do not call Mikey out on his NJ accent. Do not call Mikey out on his NJ accent…." when I hear, "…off Route 35 in Middletown…" Mikey, you're either a fan of Clerks or you have been here in my airspace! I am lit'rally 15 minutes away from Jakey's Plop Stop. What's the deal? Next time call.

    7/10 on the quiz and I've never seen SWonder.

    • MikeyNeumann says:

      I did a New Jersey transplant by way of Massachusetts. It was purposely not strait Jerz.

      Also, I always research details like roads and cities. I'm a sticklers for the hot deetz.

      • Giggleloop says:

        I decided to put that to the test, & just searched for the intersection mentioned in your Worldbuilders story. Damn, man. O.O That is awesome. (Now I want to Google all the stuff in The Ending as well, haha.)

        • MikeyNeumann says:

          Yeah, that was kinda nuts. Did you count the number of cemeteries near that intersection because I think it's 37 …

          • Giggleloop says:

            37? That just keeps coming back around, doesn't it?

            I actually had it zoomed in & only saw the 4 immediately surrounding it. I just backed it out & wow, they're chock-a-block with graveyards there; that is pretty damn cool. A lot of small ones too, which is nice. Ooh, and Harry Houdini's gravesite! :)

            Reading up on it on Wikipedia, "The Rural Cemetery Act led to Queens being a borough of cemeteries. Queens is home to 29 cemeteries holding more than five million graves and entombments, so that the "dead population" of the borough is more than twice the size of its live population." Same with Brooklyn.

  5. BostonSean says:

    you know Kris the way you described the ending of that unkown sitcom reminds of the way "The Brak show" ended with Brak ending the series with "I wish we didn't get cancelled"
    Also sort of reminds how YOU cancelled blaminations "Buy our hornsmen ap because its the closest to season 3 you'll ever get"

  6. Jacob K says:

    I totally have to agree with the sentiments of how we ruin things for ourselves by over researching it. It is wonderful to be surprised by things. Case in point, I'm a big Bioware fan, but I just stopped tracking down everything about their new games. Dragon Age Inquisition came out and I knew nothing about it, a friend had to tell me to get it and I'm amazed by everything. I know there were trailers for each companion, and I'm sure there were trailers for some of the new mechanics and phrases like "Largest ever world" and "hundreds of hours of gameplay" were used in marketing this game, but I didn't see any of that. I just went into it knowing it was a sequel to Dragon Age, and the game benefits from that.

  7. KTJ says:

    Man, I just upgraded my pledge at Patreon so I TOO can be an executive producer. That pre-show and during-show hangout sounds like a freaking blast.

  8. Chris says:

    Oh man, that wet cheese thing got me so bad. I could just picture him pouring this cheese all over the recording studio floor, staff looking on in horror as he tried to scoop it back into the container with his bare hands.

  9. Robopnegy says:

    Hey Mikey, honest question. Do you think Anakin's whole "Obi-Wan is holding me back!" could have been an actually good plot point if the writing and acting was better? Like say, if Anakin was portrayed as a trouble teen with the extra baggage of being "The Chosen One" who is chaffing against all the rules because he's at that age where he thinks he knows everything. And also the ultimate being conceived by the Force?

    Also, I heard an interesting theory about the cross-guard on the lightsaber. Someone said that since it looks like a crumby, unstable saber, those might be some sort of extra exhaust ports, a consequence of someone having to just throw this thing together without the right parts. Not sure if I buy into that, but it's a cool idea.

    • ThomasG says:

      I'm not Mikey.
      "Obi-Wan is holding me back!" / angsty teen / "thinks he knows everything" / troubled by being too awesome:

      These elements completely turn me off to a character. Sometimes that's the point, but Lucas wanted us to like Anakin more than that. Whiny main characters are usually my biggest problem with anime. I found the novelization of Warhammer's Malekith to be a much more palpable origin story, with a hero I felt that I could get behind before the fall.

      Thus concludes my unasked-for response to a question that was for someone else

      • BostonSean says:

        Its amazing to me that movie Anakin and Cartoon Anakin are like completely different characters. The writers of the animated series have a far better understanding on how to make a flawed character likable.

      • Robopnegy says:

        That's a good point. In my head, the alternate universe Anakin I was imagining in this scenario wasn't whiny. I was thinking a little more sympathetic since we can all identify with being a confused teenager. But there is the possibility the whole thing is doomed and couldn't be saved by anything! I'm not a writer/director 😛

  10. Piels says:

    Sorry guys, but any true Star Wars fan knows that the Jedi younglings train with their sabers set to "Nerf".

    When I see something like that crossguard lightsaber, I picture someone addressing a business meeting:
    "The data doesn't lie, gentlemen. Star Wars fans are sick and tired of ordinary lightsabers. We've got to give them something new to hold their interest."

  11. Eric says:

    The wet cheese commercial made me laugh so hard that I cried.

  12. thehess2 says:

    1) Didn't know that 'Small Wonder' fanfic existed before this episode.
    2) Almost had to don a MBCFS due to uncontrollable laughter.
    3) Cannot believe the writer of this particular fic had the moxie to close his intro to the script with the following:

    Note: To the teleplay writer who skims/scoops/gleans and plain rips off this stuff and makes a mint off the production: How about dropping a little note about this page as token compensation, please?

    So, Kris and Mikey, I guess you owe him…something? Maybe Kris could review this in the next episode of 'Scared Yet', since it was frighteningly bad.

  13. frostyplum says:

    Let me tell you, non-Patreon peeps, it was an absolute treat watching that last segment live. I got to see a loooot of stuff that didn't make the audio version, as well as convince the cleaning staff at my job that I'm off my rocker for laughing so g'damn much in an empty office. So happy to plant that kernel.

    Notes: this may be the first CSS where I've felt bad about a commercial. My heart goes out to that poor cheese farmer…his daddy's looking down from heaven and just shaking his head. Maybe in year 12, bud. And Jakey's…I was not prepared for the Long Island Ice Teef. Just the thought of pizza rolls bobbing gently up and down in a solid booze melange laid me out for a good minute.

    • Giggleloop says:

      Better the cleaning staff think you're nuts, than all your poor coworkers who have to endure the yelps and chortles of laughter emanating from your cube. (My poor cube neighbors…)

    • thehess2 says:

      +1 for seeing it laid down live. It also makes me appreciate how much work Kris and Mikey put into the finished product – They don't just slap bumpers on each end of the recording. All the more reason why supporting them is a no-brainer.

  14. SheanaM says:

    Haha holy dang, I was NOT expecting that turn at the end. I mean, I was expecting A turn, but not from Kris, and certainly not like that. What sounded like Mikey knocking over and breaking everything as he was surprised and totally lost it in the background really made it, too.

    That cheese commercial made me laugh and also super sad all at once.

    I'm dang excited about the new Star Wars, I don't even care. The more I think about the trailer, the more excited I get. Actual characters and locations! Actual acting and emotion and atmosphere! Practical effects enhanced with actual quality cg and cinematic style! Even if the new movies are mostly hot garbage, they'll STILL be an improvement over the phoned-in greenscreen clustereffs of the prequels (dammit Mikey I keep automatically typing pre-sequel these days) because of those details. And y'know, I'm seriously hoping it's Gwendoline Christie rockin the lightclaymore there.

  15. Ricky says:

    That wet cheese commercial was really funny but made me very sad. Like, wow, I feel so bad for that man. Why can't his cheese just come out right?

  16. Giggleloop says:

    The Star Wars talk (& trailer discussion in general) did not disappoint. I always enjoy it when one or both of you get fired up about something & I was anticipating that. You delivered. (I'll most likely never get sick of you discussing Star Wars. I'll be the last holdout on that front. You keep it evergreen somehow, which I appreciate.)

    That quiz was pretty great. I managed an 8/10 somehow? I used to watch Small Wonder as a kid but I *barely* remember any specifics. So my score was a combo of "was 80s tv really this over-the-top nuts?" (usually yes), & "would Mikey have written that?".

    I was equal parts excited & nervous about the fanfic tapout challenge. I admit, I've read a lot of fanfic in my time (though not of Small Wonder, thankfully); & while some of it has been amazingly well written & managed to capture the voice of the thing it's referencing, I'm fully aware that the stigma of fanfic comes from the fact that *so much* of it is horrendous. I can say, watching you two read it made it easier to take than the final podcast version, maybe because it was so much more apparent how uncomfortable it made you at times (especially Mikey). But the podcast version did tighten it up a lot (oh god, phrasing!), so that was good.

    And of course, that was the blow to end all blows. I thought I was going to pass out from laughing. Amazing. You two slay me every week. Keep it up.

    (No I won't share my dreadful Buffy fanfic. Never.)

    • MikeyNeumann says:

      Hm. I wrote a fan script for Buffy season 8 WAY back when. I wonder if I could dig that up somewhere … might be fun to do on the show.

      • Giggleloop says:

        If you could find it, that would be thrilling to a Buffy fangirl like me. (Heck, even if you didn't do it on the show, I'd still like to read it.)

        My fanfic was written between seasons 6-7. It got Jossed, of course, so I never finished it. But it's the only thing I've felt so strongly about to not only read fic, but also attempt writing it.

        (I think Stouffers Derek actually read it… >.> )

    • ThomasG says:

      "the blow to end all blows" – well said and emphatically seconded.

  17. Choice quotes from 'Vicki on Dunahue' that somehow Kris and Mikey didn't get to:

    DUNAHUE[About Vicki]: But her flesh’s soft just like ours

    DUNAHUE[To Vicki]: You’re also very pretty

    DUNAHUE[About Vicki]: Gad, I can’t get over those big brown eyes!

    DUNAHUE[To Vicki]: Now give me a kiss, darling. Kiss me right here. [Vicki pecks his cheek and audience coos] Such a doll, know that?


    DUNAHUE[about Vicki's appearance]: Well, you all certainly succeeded in the pleasing department. Her total human person's just stunning. Anatomically correct, right?

    (It's the last sentence that really cinches it.)

  18. FordDent says:

    I haven't finished this podcast, I got as far as the wet cheese and then laughed so hard I choked on my drink and died.

    I'm a ghost.

    • Giggleloop says:

      So many of us died this week. Including Mikey.

      Wait… I know the theme of the next Christmas episode now: "Everybody's Getting Ghosts!"

  19. wetchzlvr says:

    That wet cheese commercial was the best one I've heard from you guys. The new standard.

  20. olivejuice says:

    The blow on this episode was great. really reminded me of the 4th panel episode you were in Kris when small wonder was mentioned. which i think makes small wonder kris straub canon

  21. apLundell says:

    This was a great episode.

    For some reason I always find it hilarious that people still remember Small Wonder.

    AND I always love it when Kris&Mikey read some random horrible thing they find in the Internet's forgotten corners.

    So this episode was really a perfect storm.

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