as a young, unpopular and unkissed lad, all the way through junior high and high school and college, i believed there was such a thing as a friend zone or a “ladder theory” that explained why girls didn’t look twice at me

i have since discovered that every guy who believes themselves to be in a friend zone has placed the girl of his desires in the romance zone, and just as the guy doesn’t want to be in his zone, the girl doesn’t want to be in that zone either. it’s 1:1. if a girl doesn’t like you it isn’t because of a zone. it’s because she doesn’t like you and also doesn’t have to like you

only after i learned that lesson did i grow incredible facial hair and become very charming and funny and exotically handsome