i have a unique quirk that i’ve developed in the last couple years. i have a lot of anxiety issues, and whenever i’m under stress, i just clench part of my body for hours at a time, exhausting the muscle and depriving the area of blood flow and oxygen. these days, that place is my left shoulder, and these days it is a goddamned wreck

i’d stop, except every time i stop i involuntarily start doing it again minutes later, and then i catch myself in an endless cycle. why, because i’m hunting lions for meat? because if i don’t finish breaking granite out of this quarry, the archbishop’s eighth-in-command will have me executed? no, because i sit at a desk in a cool room, in all possible comfort, and i have to type some keys from time to time. this has led to the detonation of my body.

i should add that none of this was an issue before about age 30. they jokingly say that that’s when stuff falls apart, and you don’t believe them because it’s ridiculous to think that, until you are 31 and you start to realize things don’t feel as good as they used to. maybe you crave a salad from time to time, because you think that will help. maybe you’d rather go to bed early than have sex with a beautiful woman. pretty soon you’re craning your head out your front door to berate some kids on their hoverbikes messing around near your property

finally your doctor says they’ve invented an immortality pill, but you’d have to stay the same age you are now, forever. unfortunately you can’t bear the thought of this, and turn it down, letting your wretched husk succumb to the inexorable march of eons. you were 42 and you were a cartoonist.