Episode 62 – Glamour Shots Me Dead

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As dusk throws an amber pall over the world, its mistress — the evening wind — screams… “Glamour… glamour!” From the red-litten fields, a man with a camera rises.

If you’ve never been angry before, this might be the podcast to do it. Don’t worry, we get right there with you, by discussing

  • the necessity of Glamour Shots® in the age of mechanical reproduction
  • a quiz that starts out fun and games, then casts a dire light on a horrendous social plague
  • your topics, to cleanse the palate! We’ll check out yours and maybe run it on the show if you send us one at choose@chainsawsuit.com

Everyone cool down, do a shot, then do a Shot® at your nearest Glamour Shots® location, and don’t forget to watch the newest series on Chainsawsuit Original: Movies with Mikey. He reviewed the 1990s TMNT last time, and now he’s after Turtles II? Check it out!

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50 Responses to Episode 62 – Glamour Shots Me Dead

  1. Encifer says:

    Re: day-long birth class, the only advice you need when entering into a child-birthing scenario is this:

    When the doctor holds up the afterbirth and is like "check how cool this is, yo" LOOK AWAY

  2. Giggleloop says:

    Sounds like your sister is around my age. Thankfully I never succumbed to the Glamour Shots peer pressure. My regular school pictures are the extent of the embarrassment. (I like the ‘reading word marks and tag lines’ voice, Mikey.)

    Aww, Somewhere Out There… *single tear*

    Kris’s commercial would be excellent animated, get on it!

    Oh god. This quiz intro has just started, and I’m already scared. Worthless piece of human garbyge (with a y). I am glad to say I got 8/10. Yikes.

    Time loop discussion always reminds me of the Supernatural episode “Mystery Spot”. So so so great. “Rise and shine, Sammy!”

    Tostititos – the taste they’ll GROW to love. C’mon, you were so close, Kris!

    Trivial Pursuit has never been more sexually charged. It’s definitely on.

    Well ‘casted, gents. Kudos for successfully navigating the Huntyr Chase-ness. (Here’s hoping the angry commenters don’t find their way here, seeing how they love to get riled up whenever PUA/MRA things are mentioned. Keep them out of here – this is our happy place, our safe haven!)

  3. Rowboat says:

    Bit of meta-trivia: Trivial Pursuit isn't quite as old as Mikey thinks. It does *look* like it probably came from the 60s, but the first edition was released in 1981 or so. My parents have a copy for some reason (this is in Germany) and it's actually probably more fun to play than more recent editions just because there's the additional entertainment of observing which questions are still reasonable to ask over 30 years later on a different continent and which aren't.

    (No, seriously, it makes the game more interesting if you're gambling on whether you'll get something obvious or a question about some mediocre TV drama that went off the air in the mid-70s and is barely remembered even by 50-something Americans. Also, those questions are hilarious. Don't judge me!!)

    • Renata_V says:

      I totally know what you mean, my parents have the old Australian version of Trivia Pursuit from the 80s, and it is hilarious. Most of the questions are about cricket. Or famous cricketers.

    • MikeyNeumann says:

      Oh, wow, yeah, you're right. Created in 1979. Huh. It always seemed so much older when I was a kid.

      • Giggleloop says:

        Something about that dull blue box. Trivial Pursuit: the game that seemed anvient the minute it came off the assembly line. :)

      • Rowboat says:

        It really does, doesn't it? Must be the deliberately old-timey visual design. I remember being pretty surprised when I looked it up originally.

        There's some kind of joke to be built around this and the hipster battery ad bit you guys had in the same segment but it'd probably just collapse in on itself.

  4. Kyle_Douglas says:

    5/10 on the quiz despite guessing "real" on most of them. Er… I'm not sure if that beat Mikey or not? I didn't catch what his final score compared to ol' Kyle Douglas here.
    This may be my favorite quiz so far because I think it was a more effective way to comment on the topic than some of the conversations in the past by using specific examples instead of trying to approach it as a nebulous object of disdain. That thing about trance words is totally ridiculous and I feel it could never really work to alter someone's perceptions just by drawing emphasis to words.

    Very much liked Mikey's commercial, but Kris' was the highlight of the episode I think: I wanted it to go even one step further and offer over-the-phone midwife services. Hilarious character.

    Even without a Kyle Douglas topic slipping in, Choose was definitely awesome this week especially with the fun branding game. Gummy Tostitos was particularly brilliant.
    I haven't liked what I've seen of them lately, but I think Geico is an obvious choice when it comes to (comparatively) enjoyable branding.
    The only other thing that really springs to mind is when Audi did their funny "The Challenge" ad with Leonard Nimoy and Zachary Quinto last year.
    Quinto is part of that Newcastle ad campaign that was mentioned too… huh. Maybe he sliced some branding superpowers out of someone's head?

    Movies with Mikey: This second outing offered a 70% boost in commentary and a 40% reduction in summary compared to the first one. That pacing change really let it step up to a pretty fantastic place I think. Go Mikey, go Mikey, go.
    I'm a bit surprised that mutant turtles jamming a fire extinguisher down the snapjaw of another mutant turtle wasn't an image that stuck with me, Kyle Douglas, from that movie.

    Movies with Mikey Kris suggestions in addition to Robocop 2: Short Circuit, TNG Star Trek films, Serenity without having seen Firefly is the one I'd really like to see, since that's an interesting perspective I've never heard in detail.

    Slightly shorter than my usual comment behemoths even with an episode and a video to talk about. Hm. I suppose it was just a great episode that didn't leave much for me, Kyle Douglas, to build on. Except, of course, for…
    GLAMOUR

    • Giggleloop says:

      That’s *almost* too much glamour for one picture. Almost.

    • ThomasG says:

      Glamorous, K-dougs.

    • Sarah Kelly says:

      Listen, you did a great job and all, but, and I don’t want to sound picky, I guess what I’m trying to say is this;
      The tiger isn’t wearing sunglasses. In fact, he’s not wearing ANY accessories at all. A simple ankle bracelet or SOMETHING, you know?

      • Kyle_Douglas says:

        The honest truth is that most unglamourous people can only handle a certain amount of it before they just mentally collapse under the raw, dazzling allure of it all.
        Even among the semi-glamourous most aren't ready for the bold, exciting fashions of the truly inspired. So images like the one you saw are prepared for public consumption (usually via shoddy photoshop work, since no glamourus person wants to do the same photoshoot twice).

        But, if you truly have an insatiable appetite for glamour and live in an area where such uncensored levels of it are legal… proceed at your own peril.

        • Giggleloop says:

          Glamour levels are reaching critical mass! She cannae take much more o’ this, Cap’n!

          Also, I want that Scooter hat, plzkthx.

    • I saw Serenity before I ever saw Firefly, and I loved it.

      Trufax.

  5. iaoth says:

    Kris, it's "patter" (prepared/practiced speech), not "pattern".

  6. Annonymous says:

    Okay so… probably an unpopular opinion here but, I don't really understand all the hate on pick up artists. I mean, yes, they are super douchey… but lots of people are. There are people way more deserving of our collective ire than guys trying to get laid.

    I feel like there are a couple of assumptions going on here: the first being that women "fall" for these "tricks". I don't have any data to back up my assumptions but a vast majority of the women I know would not buy into this crap unless they wanted to, at which point you just have normal consent.

    Which leads to my second point, no one cares if two people both consent to having sex so getting angry at these PUAs almost implies that women are getting "picked up" against their will… is that what we think is going on?

    It seems to me that the biggest issue here is that they objectify women and engage them purely by manipulation for the sole purpose of sex. Yes, that's mega-douchey and don't take my devil's argument as defending these "people" but I'm curious as to why you target them in particular when there are far worse people out there.

    • Ford Dent says:

      Also a lot of PUA techniques center around the concept of "no" not meaning "no."

      Which is rape.

      PUA TECHNIQUES DEFINITELY ENDORSE RAPE AND TOUCHING WOMEN WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION.

      THAT IS WHY FUCK PICKUP ARTISTS.

    • MikeyNeumann says:

      To answer what amounts to a question in there: Pick up "artists" are worthy of ire because manipulating other humans for personal gain through dishonest psychological assault is morally and reprehensibly wrong.

      I hope that clears up our confusion! Hope you're enjoying the show otherwise 😉

      • Annonymous says:

        Well, you reduced my argument to something way too simple and completely ignored my point, let me restate.

        If there is no actual rape going on here then these guys are just dishonest d-bags. And yes, what they're doing is wrong… but I don't hear you getting this upset about other people who employ the same techniques for far more nefarious purposes.

        If there is rape going on, then please stop calling them pick up artists and start calling them rapists. Lock 'em up and throw away the key.

        • MikeyNeumann says:

          Well, I answered what I thought was the main question in a succinct way.

          This conversation is heading into dangerous waters. I apologize if it feels like I've ignored you, but the depth of this conversation is one that I think will make a lot of people uncomfortable. I'm for reasoned discourse of any issue, but I don't believe this is the place for such a discussion.

          We are a show of comedy and parody. We paint things in exaggerated ways because ultimately, our goal is to entertain. Though, not a written rule of our post-show discourse, please refrain from creating conversations that try to determine what is, or is not, an "actual" rape. This forum is not the place for such conversations. I trust you understand.

          Thanks!

          • Annonymous says:

            Alright, sorry. Didn't mean to anger anyone. It's an understandably touchy subject and it took a darker turn than I originally intended.

    • ThomasG says:

      there's a lot going on here
      whenever you have people giving advice on how to live life, it's important to have this pushback. it's like with self-help gurus, motivational speakers, and overbearingly inspirational folk: these people are engaged in activities where they're giving advice on some really important parts of people's lives and there's no real criticism built-into the presentation. satire brings some rigor to something that really needs it.
      also, i can see why a guy would be vocally opposed to this PUA crap. you don't want people to get the impression that this stuff is fine, that everyone's doing it, that it's accepted. yeah, there are murderers out there, but they're not trotting around giving murder advice on talk shows.

    • iaoth says:

      I don't think anyone's assuming that it works. If anything, I really hope it doesn't. It's still horrible behaviour and an almost psychotic attitude toward other people.

    • krisstraub says:

      "I mean, yes, they are super douchey… but lots of people are."

      this is true. suppose then that we were railing on someone else that was a douche. could you then argue "well, why are they deserving of your ire? aren't pick-up artists just as bad?"

      • Annonymous says:

        Point taken. I don't want to seem like I'm defending them, and I didn't mean to sound like they don't deserve negative attention.

        I'm going to bow out of the conversation now. I feel like I'm getting backed into a corner where I'm maybe being viewed as defending these guys and I wouldn't do that.

    • The whole thesis of the PUA technique and subculture is that the techniques they're using are, in fact, able to manipulate a woman into giving consent when she otherwise wouldn't.

      Even if we were to assume that every woman in the world sees right through it, and the attempted manipulation is never, ever successful, the intent of the PUA is still to achieve consent via manipulation and deceit.

      And consent achieved via manipulation isn't valid consent.

      So yes, simply by virtue of how they view what they're doing, a PUA is an attempted rapist from the moment he walks into the bar.

  7. ThomasG says:

    6/10
    I felt really uncomfortable when Kris was introducing the quiz, so good work? I guess?
    awesome commercials. I'm seeing an anvilicious pattern where Mikey offs the unsavory characters in the commercial, though it's getting more creative (defiant machete-wielding hyper-libertarian was a more interesting image than Huntyr getting simply stabbed). Godd stuff all around.

  8. @brockst4r says:

    There were a lot of awesome fun things about this episode.

    I like the idea of Glamour Shots: Surroundings as a super generic trademark. "Glamour Shots: Visible Light."

    The term for living in the same city as someone who you don't know but is a potential soul mate is known as "Fieveling" them. "Yeah, I fieveled this guy for a few months before we met at a board game convention."

    The commercial for Hank Dubloon was fantastic, and the ending of "Hank Dubloon is not a licensed anything" made me laugh out loud. Like he's not even a licensed driver. Nothing.

    I got 8/10 on the quiz. My strategy was to prematurely abandon all faith in humanity. I like the interaction of Kris with the embodiment of Huntyr Chase, and Kris casually remarking "you repulse me." Mikey calling himself (as Huntyr) a pile of human "garbage with a y" was awesome.

    What's uncomfortable and nefarious about the pick up artist stuff is how much of it starts out as resembling normal human interactions. Like, the thing says "when you meet a girl, you'll probably have a lot of questions for her," and so you think, yeah, okay, that seems reasonable, but then the turn is like "a lot of questions for the area below her waist." The touching thing, however, doesn't resemble any normal human interaction. "Just keep touching" it says. "Make her tell you to stop" it says. It makes me physically ill to think these actions are happening anywhere.

    Great show, guys!

  9. The Red Light says:

    Hey there Mikey and Kris,

    Look I'm sorry about those previous comments. I was in a bad place and I lashed out in anger. I realized that after I heard you mentioned me again and I'm sorry. I've got a steady gig now, I'm seeing someone, and I'm much more at peace with not being on the show anymore. And no, Mikey, I never had to work a in "Red Light" district, but thank you for your concern.

    • LMcCJ says:

      There are a lot of new intersections that need traffic signals and the red light always comes out on top. We knew you'd find work again. Congratulations.

  10. sheanam says:

    I guess this episode outed me as an awful person, because I nearly busted out laughing at work multiple times from how outrageously terrible the quiz was. And at Mikey's needle scratch character/music drops and flailing rage at it all. That, or maybe it's just the old 'laugh to keep from crying' instinct.

    Thumbs up for Hank Dubloon as well. That sort of voice and speech pattern is pretty much guaranteed to be funny to me.

    I'm really glad I missed out on Glamour Shots and only had to deal with those awkward school photos featuring vaguely tiedye airbrushed cloth backgrounds and those weird partial suit/dress tops they made you wear for your high school senior graduation photos. And as far as brand social media engagement goes, I'm still not convinced that the Charmin twitter isn't just a long game prank being pulled by you guys.

  11. @JRBSFX says:

    Good job guys, this week's quiz made me feel profoundly uncomfortable.

  12. sambooga says:

    The ham-handed attempts at subliminal conditioning are really the most insidious part of PUA, but my favorite tactic to see put into action is "peacocking". They wear brightly coloured affectations or anachronistic styles in order to have immediate talking points. What they don't realize is that everyone now knows it. I was at a rooftop bar the other day, there must have been 150 people up there, and there was ONE GUY wearing a red shirt/black blazer with the collar stretched out over the lapels, a la Scarface, and of course a pinstriped fedora. He kept ping-ponging between groups of women, offering to take their photos (using their phones of course), and then "accidentally" taking a picture of himself first. Everyone could see what was going on, and finally one of the women, when approached, yelled, "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE, I WANT YOU SO BAD". Suddenly the entire bar was staring at him, and he slowly sauntered out, eyes on the floor. I don't think that woman paid for a drink the rest of the evening.

  13. About five years ago, I had a housemate who was a PUA. I have many stories about the experience, but I can confirm that the "subtle dick point" wins the award for being The 100% Most Gross Thing™.

  14. frostyplum says:

    So, yeah. Comfort was nowhere to be found during that quiz, despite the fact that I first listened to it in bed. (Did I just BLOW YOUR MINDS, PUAs?? (Or fortune cookie fortune writers, for that matter)) Until this episode, I forgot all about the "dickpoint" thing. That was the unhappiest I've ever heard Kris over an extended period of time. What gets me is, you guys did the quiz, Mikey edited the podcast, then put those "swag" and "deNIED" sounds in while knowing what was going to happen. That's…that's painful.

    And then Kris gets way into the idea of two teenagers doin' it, because Kris.

    High notes:
    Hank Doubloon (I echo the "this accent/mannerism is never not funny" statement somewhere above)
    Mikey helping Kris out with Basecamp, which is a truly incredible gesture.
    "I want to be glamoured by Glamour Shots. And then bitten and turned into a vampire." I don't know where this was going but I really wish Mikey'd picked up on it
    Kris pitching Rayovac batteries to hipsters
    Mikey's concept of a psycho just using Groundhog Day to kill everyone and everything with no consequences, ever
    "Put your fist under your chin, or one can be added for you."

    We never did Glamour Shots, but my sister got an execrable perm in high school…does that count?

    • Giggleloop says:

      The Basecamp thing is awesome. Organization for the win. My boss actually saw me struggling with my notepad full of scribbles this week, trying to remember all the million jobs she's been throwing at me that I couldn't keep straight, and she recommended that I used Workflowy to organize everything I have going on. I was skeptical,but it's worked really well so far. I mean, it's just a bullet list of stuff, but I was able to finally keep track of my stuff, so I'm super thankful.

      TL:DR – having things laid out in order & being able to clearly see and track what you're working on will help you, Kris. Mikey, you're an awesome friend.

  15. LMcCJ says:

    Hey, everyone! Happy 4th of July or Happy Friday, whatever you've got going on.

    I never frequented a Glamour Shots but we still have one at our mall. The key is the makeover so, unless you have a friend who went to beauty culture school, you can't replicate this at home. Packages are from $149–$1299 (reflects holiday discount).

    Kris's baby prep commercial was fantastic. I missed MIkey's commercial because I was still showering with bleach when it came on.

    6/10 on the quiz. We've all commented enough on this (except the "subtle point to d'ck" is an age-old move that leaves the PUAs index finger in a vulnerable position if the "target" has a friend who can accidentally bump into the PUAs elbow from behind).

    I was wondering why you were making the tostitoes ad so difficult then realized you probably don't know about this product:
    http://www.babysafefeeder.com

    Any food turns to mush in a baby's mouth then they suck the sustenance out through the mesh. So fun to wash.

    And, as the podcast wraps up for another week the only question that comes to mind is, Does Kris self-satisfy before or after the podcast?

    Hope everyone has good grilling weather!

    • MikeyNeumann says:

      I feel like a tactless man in a bar pointing to his nuts gives you a REALLY strong target to put a steel toe into.

    • Giggleloop says:

      During isn't an option? I mean, he has two perfectly serviceable commercial breaks in there. Just sayin'.

      • LMcCJ says:

        They record while Skyping. Kris strikes me as too private to engage, even out-of-frame, while Mikey is "watching". But, for purposes of fan service, "Yes, yes, you're right! Kris is taking care of business *while* recording. That explains a lot." 😉

        • Giggleloop says:

          All's I'm saying is, he's podcasting from bed. That's all's I'm saying.

          (Also good lord, I would never seriously suggest that, cmon Linda.)

          • LMcCJ says:

            All's I'm saying is, you have a valid point. Kris is getting *very* comfortable with all of us. Combine his heightened "distraction" with his upcoming sleep deprivation and we have a recipe for a podcast of a different color. Mark my words. I live in the future. I know things.

          • Giggleloop says:

            The future sounds like a very interesting place. I may have to visit it sometime.

            (Wait, I don't think I have a choice in that. We will all visit the future eventually, when it becomes the present. Hahahaha I'm slow, don't mind me.)

  16. Piels says:

    Ok, I know everyone stopped commenting last week, but I am terrible at keeping up with podcasts…

    With all the time loop talk, I have to ask if either of you have seen Edge of Tomorrow. I saw it over the weekend and it was mostly pretty great. Definitely better than the dumb ads made me think it would be.

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