Episode 55 – Help Yourself


We’ve got just the thing to make help happen. In this episode:

  • Mikey goes to a family barbecue Texas-style and ends up reverting to a Southern accent for the entirety of the first segment. Kris tries to keep up but his vocal chords detonate.
  • A new quiz that makes Mikey’s score detonate… in a good way or bad way? You’ll find out! Post your score in the comments!
  • So many topics to choose from this week. Mikey and Kris tackle reboots, restaurants, and… names! (I couldn’t make that work with an R word.)
  • PLUS THE COMMIES (commercials, not Communists)

And a delicate reminder — we’re hot for your ratings and reviews on iTunes! Thank you, buddies.

This entry was posted in Podcast. Bookmark the permalink.

87 Responses to Episode 55 – Help Yourself

  1. MikeyNeumann says:

    Alternate episode 55 title: Lily-bellied Fart Slumpers.


  2. Kyle_Douglas says:

    I'm going to try to stretch this out to my normal comment-essay length, but it's going to be a bit difficult since I only listened to the first five minutes of the show and am presently in the process of registering 200 credit cards and a boat loan in Mikey's name. The fact that his social security card had a childlike signature was the last piece missing in my long-con identity theft scheme.

    Or maybe that ain't what happened. Whatever.
    If any of y'all (ya'll) are especially diligent in your comment following, you may recall I took slight issue back in 50 with some of the more vulgar topics at the live show. This episode visited similar territory but I actually thought it was all pretty great with such a ridiculous spin on it ("Your Balls are Dropping Your Entire Life" A Self-Help Book, by Mikey Neumann – bestselling author of "I Tug on my Sack Constantly: The True Path to Happiness").

    Both commercials this week had pretty excellent turns. The first one crossed the threshold into excellence with the specificity of Highlander Season 4 and the callback to the F-Chords show (which apparently made it past a pilot!… barely). The second obviously has a much more distinct turn that definitely caught me off guard. It's certainly nice to see more attention and researchilization being brought to the ostracized stellar equines among us.

    This is the third week in a row I've edged out our hosts by a single point. I would have won by two points if Mikey hadn't led me astray on the very first question by making Kris re-read it and his selling the narcissism so hard that it caused me to switch from "fake" to "real"
    *shakes fist wildly and ineffectually*

    Serving restaurant food in a dog dish was such a stroke of brilliance I figured someone, somewhere had to have done it before. And it seems so.
    In the montage question you came very close to an obvious answer when you mentioned eating at Chipotle: how about standing in lines? That'd be a nice thing to skip, eh? Maybe when you're trying to get a replacement social security card because somebody stole your wallet after partying a little too hard with the Otters at The Roundup?

    Unrelated note: Is white or black a better color for yacht upholstery?

  3. Giggleloop says:

    You guys were NOT kidding about this being a hot ‘cast. Eep.

    My SS card has an adult signature on it because we ladies get to get a new card when we get married & change our last names. Good times.

    When I hear Kris’s Texas voice, all I can think of is his David McDavid accent from Daily Affirmations. Mikey, your Texas accent is… Very very nice indeed. Oof.

    This week on Talking Balls, with Kris and Mikey. Good lord, what the everlovin’… I don’t… This is knowledge I did not need to have!

    Season two of ASTW? Sign me up! *shut up and take my money.jpg* (The Ending is season 2, isn’t it. I can’t be the only person who has noticed the similarities. Let me direct you to my wiki….*trails off*)

    As an Enterprise employee, I can tell you that most places you can rent a car at 21 but you have to pay a Young Renter fee. 25 is the age where you don’t have to pay that any more. (Information no one needs.)

    YOU BEAST. Quiz: 5/10 SO TOUGH!! Kris is taking it to the next level. The quiz has truly evolved. The meta-gaming effect is nuts, but is also part of what makes the quizzes so damn enjoyable to listen to.

    Wait, Mikey is sweetening his jokes?! Everything is a lie! Nothing is real anymore! (Now I’m curious when/where it happened)

    Chili Dawggggggz. *sounder* What’s up, it’s ya boy BradBrad, comin’ at you with some sweet carne asaaaaaad(a). We gonna talk about all kiiiinds of stuff. We gonna talk about rockin’ guac, we gonna talk about na-na-na-nachos. I…ran outta steam. BradBrad is hard to do.

    Bury that bone? Mikey, ya ought not to be sayin’ those things to Kris – he’s been in a bad way as of late. He does not need any encouragement. He is clearly some place else. Reboob. Done.

    And ten year old Kris invents a sexbot.

    This episode will require a relisten in the morning, methinks. Thanks for sharing my bed with me, fellas. (Wait, what? Screw it, I’m not taking it back! Je ne regrette rien!) G’nite!

    • MikeyNeumann says:

      Your BradBrad is actually frighteningly accurate. You should have kept going, you have that schtick doooooooooown, in the ground–beef. Tacos and shiiiiiiiiiiii, its ya boy, BradBrad.

  4. Gristle says:

    re: listening to old episodes, #'s 12 and 54 are my two favorite. Very consistent quality, guys.

  5. Gristle says:

    Disappointed that you didn't reboot Reboot.

  6. Willie Gross says:

    "Dick lift" that whole but almost killed me. You guys are the best, thanks for making my evening 100% better.

  7. Renata_V says:

    Awesome episode! I played along with the quiz and I got 5/10, they all sounded real. I was looking online and I found an excerpt from one of the self help books:

    Visualisation Exercise #32

    Imagine yourself galloping through the cosmos. Look to your left, you see an entire galaxy, beautiful and sparkling amidst the black void. You gallop past it, it is of no concern now. Look to your right, you see a sun explode into a thousand different colours, 21 of which you did not know exist. You do not care about the sun now. Keep galloping forward, you are almost there.

    As you gallop through the universe you see wonders that will remain unseen to any form of life for eternity. But you do not care about the miracles. The lights of millions stars, planets and galaxies rush past you, you gallop past a million civilisations. They gaze up in awe as they see the majestic stellar equine. They gasp at your beauty, the very sight of you has untold effect upon their lives, and they thank you for them. But you do not care about their admiration. You are almost there.

    You journey is almost over. Your gallop slows to a canter, then to a trot, then to a fast paced walk, to a slower walk and finally to a complete stop. You see her. The star mare. She is the most beautiful creature you have ever seen, her beauty is worshipped in at least 78 galaxies across the universe. She turns her head to you. You approach her, you know you were meant to be together, a bond as old as the universe itself…

    (The next ten paragraphs have been omitted for the sake of decency).

    …You gallop away, through the cosmos, past galaxies,stars and planets. You begin your search for the next star mare.

    End of visualisation exercise.
    Reflect upon this visualisation. Ask yourself these questions:
    How can I embrace what I just learnt in the office?
    What did I learn about confidence?
    How did visualisation help me with applying these skills to the real world?
    Most importantly:
    Am I a Star Horse?

    • LMcCJ says:

      Did Star Horse just do-her-and-ditch-her Star Mare?!! I'm going back to Ponyville.

  8. Psquare says:

    I like to think that the mascot of Chili Dawgz is “Chill E. D. Augsz” (the use of ‘E’ as a middle initial is copywritten).

    “E. D. Augsz” (for short) is a man with a chainsaw and T bones glued to him in shape of a tree with branches. Many of these bones are from recent customers and still have meat and gristle hanging off. The stench is terrible.

    He represents the parent company’s anti green agenda, man’s animal nature, and the futility of life. On your birthday, he will sing a solemn Gregorian chant.

  9. Giggleloop says:

    The meta-game has infected my brain now. I dreamt that Mikey rerecorded his verse on Put Em Up, spitting so fast as to be unintelligible. But then he tripped up during it, the music stopped & he & Kris discussed it. Whaaaat is even happening. Incepted. BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM.

  10. MikeyNeumann says:

    Clarification: As I told Kris afterward, in 30 of the 50 states, provided they are _in_ the parent's presence at the time, a minor can drink alcohol. BOOOOOOOOOOOSH.

    • Giggleloop says:

      “Head for the mountains. Buuuussssssscccchhhhhhh.
      (Anheuser Busch, Saint Louis, Missouri)”

      Fixed that for ya. :)

      (Yes, I know A/B beers are generally considered to be the bottom of the barrel [beer barrel], but as a St. Louisan, I couldn’t help myself.)

      I’ve never been able to acquire a taste for any kind of beer. I think my palate/pallet/palette is too sensitive to bitterness. All I can taste is bitter when I drink beer. Even things like Young’s Double Chocolate Stout, which by all accounts I should love because chocolate. Alas, non. *sad French sigh*

      I have developed a deep love for hard ciders the last few years though. It amuses me that everyone else is hopping on the hard cider wagon train now.

      I’m a cider hipster. Good lord.

      • LMcCJ says:

        I used to like the light beers now I'm all up in the ambers. Still strongly dislike drinking bark (stouts, etc.). But, given the choice, I'll always choose champagne.

      • megan_made_this says:

        A fellow St. Louisan! And I thought I was the only chainsawsuiter here where the Ol' Mississip' cuts straight through the heart of the Midwest.

        I must assume you've been exposed to Schlafly, but the Raspberry Hefeweizen is pretty drinkable. And in looking up how the heck you spell hefeweizen, I just learned they also have a Raspberry Cider and now I must obtain one.

        • Giggleloop says:

          Nice! STL FTW! *high-fives* I have had Schlafly Hefeweizen, I find it quite tolerable, all things considered. Definitely the upper end of beers I've partaken in.

          Also last fall I got to go to their outdoor free screening of Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, which kicked ass. :)

  11. LMcCJ says:

    Public Service Announcement–Chainsawsuitmen, please, PLEASE, do not take medical advice from KStraub. He knows balls about vasectomies. No slipknots! Sever that sucker. You're done! Seriously, look at Robert DeNiro, 68 is too old to father children. Commit!

    I'm going to leave the balls conversation alone except to say you can go to the surgeon and get a "lift" if you are so inclined.

    At 55, 60, 65 etc. you only get to look forward to various invasive diagnostic medical procedures becoming more routine.

    7/10 on the quiz.
    Much like KDoug I changed my answer on Postive Narcissism from fake to real while Mikey was thinking out loud. Curse you Neumann!

    My thoughts followed Mikey's that "How to Get Over That B'tch" was too over the top for Kris and that Kris had to include Fast Food Diet once he saw the name Donkersloot.

    The podcast spawn of Kris and Mikey was born fully formed, like human spawn. We don't need that tadpole phase around here.

    Mikey there are thousands of great, noble Donkersloots, you don't turn your back on that. I worked with a woman whose last name was Crotchfelt though, she was planning on changing it to Kroft. Wise.

    Lyle, Lyle Crocodile–that's where Lyle goes.

    Naming babies: My husband was 32 when we got married and was quiet the lothario in his well-spent youth. He didn't want to use any names of former "girlfriends". We had a very short list to work with.

    Kris, I'm conflicted on your wish to montage through sex. Either you're doing it wrong or you're doing it SO right. I'll have to mull this awhile longer.

    Go out to Sonic?!! Kris was supposed to bring hotdogs this week. Of course, he was supposed to be in the office, not nekkid in bed. The standards are rapidly slipping. So Mikey, how many more episodes before you can eliminate Kris entirely and just splice in old remarks of his to support the things you say? (I say, go for it, keep sweetening those jokes. We'll only be disappointed when we meet you in person and you aren't nearly as funny or quick as you are on the podcast.)

    Happy 55! Now, go out and get that colonoscopy.

    • MikeyNeumann says:

      "My husband was 32 when we got married and was quiet the lothario in his well-spent youth. He didn't want to use any names of former "girlfriends". We had a very short list to work with. "

      I just spit coffee across the roof. JEFFSTER!

      • LMcCJ says:

        Well, he was an art major in Philadelphia and he worked it–really worked it. When we were dating (which lasted less than a year so he was a lothario into his 30s) we would keep running into grocery store clerks and movie theater clerks who would give him "a look" and he'd whisper to me, "Did her, did her." You gotta laugh.

    • Kyle_Douglas says:

      You bring up an interesting point about the Donkersloot name jokes during K&M-CAT: Those wouldn't have happened if not for this being the first (I think?) time CAT followed a quiz segment instead of the other way around.

      It's definitely easier to build off jokes that come up during a quiz than to callback to things during a quiz with a tight focus, so it may be a good thing to have quizzes in segment 2 rather than 3 more often.

    • Giggleloop says:

      Ok so if we presume that Kris is montaging sex, then our next logical question is, what song is the soundtrack? “Take It To The Limit” was the first thing that popped into my head. Classic montage soundtrack choice.

      • frostyplum says:

        But that's so slow and depressing. What are you trying to say?

        • Giggleloop says:

          No no, not the Eagles version. The Rocky training montage-y one. "Take it to the limit! Walk along the razer's edge!"

          • Giggleloop says:

            Now that I think about it, the song might be called Push it to the Limit. Same sentiment. :)

        • LMcCJ says:

          She wasn't thinking clearly. If it's a slow montage it's got to be Slow Hand/Tina Turner. If it's a headboard banging montage it's gotta be Bat Out of Hell/Meatloaf.

      • For the fast-paced sexual montage, I prefer an instrumental fight song.

        Imagine your most intimate moments prefaced with the stirring bars of Anchors Aweigh, or celebrated with Hail to the Victors.

        You'll give a Buckeye Battle Cry as you and your partner wake up the echoes cheering your name to the tune of the Notre Dame Victory March.

        But, of course, for me personally it's got to be Bear Down, Chicago Bears.

        • frostyplum says:

          When you said "instrumental fight song," my brain immediately went to Final Fantasy battle music. Gotta add that to my playlist.

          (We didn't date, did we?)

          • Giggleloop says:

            Now all I can hear is the Victory theme music from FF. That *would* give a sense of accomplishment to any lovemaking sesh (session).

      • Gristle says:

        I think I’d pick “Put Me In, Coach.” Especially I’d there was any bicuriosity in the montage.

        C’mon. “center field”? We all know what you really mean.

    • Giggleloop says:

      Linda, are you honestly discouraging the guys from being in bed…? Who are you and what have you done with the real Jeffster? That’s not the Linda I’ve come to know.

      I mean, they have a show called On A Bed. It’s kind of a given.

  12. LMcCJ says:

    Who did the, "Hit it," cameo this week? Kudos!

    • MikeyNeumann says:

      Apple Loops. Wasn't she great?

      • Kyle_Douglas says:

        I'm now imagining a "True Hollywood Story"-type special detailing the life of Siri, including her unhappy past when she was a stripper going by the name "Apple Loops".

        Thankfully she eventually took off those gaudy, rainbow-patterned, schoolgirl-style clothes one last time and got into the professional world of black-and-white duds with brushed-aluminum jewelry accents.

  13. Josh Lewis says:

    Hot ep. 5 thumbs up.

  14. Ford Dent says:

    5/10 on the quiz this week. Good lord, that was a tough one–I kept being convinced there was no way a book could be real, AND YET IT WAS.

    Excellent first section this week, with discussions of both saggy testicles and giving alcohol to minors, two of my favorite hobbies.

  15. Chinami Wirth says:

    There is a photo of me as a child holding a can of beer. I was younger than four years old. My parents also have stories about me an beer. (Don't worry, they did not let me have too much.)

  16. ThomasG says:

    5/10. Since hearing of Amazon's selection of dinorotica, I've come to believe that any book idea is real, especially self-help (I believed all of them).

    self help excerpt or isn't? "The ill effects of thought come about when we forget that thought is a function of our consciousness.. an ability that we as human beings have. We are the producers of our own thinking."

    late addition to comment: huh, I found my jotted answer and it turns out I got 6/10 by guessing all true. This seemed vitally important to report. Also, I just wanted to note that, in listening to the old podcasts, I found that I really love hearing "disingenuous radioperson"-style scripted commercials.

  17. sheanam says:

    I imagine Kris poring over a list of all possible K names, wanting to continue a family traditional but worrying about or outright hating all of them. Karl Straub feels like it would work! But then, Karl is also a name that can bring up Pilkish thoughts.

    And yeah, let's face it, you guys are The Brand Guys most definitely. Whenever I see a Coke Sixer or a Fruit Squish'Ems Fruit Pouch, my mind goes to y'all.

    • frostyplum says:

      Whenever I see Lunchables, I giggle.

      • Giggleloop says:

        I saw those “Uploaded” Lunchables at the gas station this morning & chuckled. They were right around the corner from rhe X-Men branded Pretzel Flips. No, I’m not joking. “Wolverine white chocolate” & “Mutant milk chocolate”. Absolutely ridiculous.

  18. HJT says:

    8/10 Aw yes.

  19. Giggleloop says:

    So I’m listening back from episode 49 on, because those are the ones still on my iPod, and I’m serious – the heat ya’ll have been bringing for the last six episodes is scary good. I need to go leave like, a billion more reviews on iTunes, because more people need to hear this ‘cast.

  20. frostyplum says:

    Lost it twice: Guy Fieri as the Seventh Heaven dog, and Mikey inceptively naming Kris's kid "BWOOOOOOOOOOM." I'm not sure if that's 18 O's, I'm a busy woman.

    7/10 on Self-Help Quiz Book or Ain't? I'm surprised and very, very glad the "Where's MY Diaper" book is not real. Speaking of books, if you reboot Moby Dick and you wanna go gritty, you gotta do it from the whale's POV. Man, the shit that whale's been through.

    My dad used to let me have sips of his Bud Light when I was little, thus cementing my eternal hatred of Bud Light. It is an unwritten law that dads only share crapass beer with their kids. I wouldn't waste something that's $9 a six-pack on my spawn, that's for sure.

    So if Kris montages past sexual encounters…do his partners suddenly have a gap in their memories? "I know we dated for five years, but it's the damndest thing, I can only remembering us doing it three, four times tops. Just the good stuff. Really good angles and lighting, too."

    I give this podcast two pomegranate compote-covered sacs way, way up.

    • Giggleloop says:

      Self-Help Book or Because’n’t’it. Ya’ll ain’t even gettin’ the name right… dag nabbit.

      More apostrophes than a Klingon dictionary up in here.

  21. Ricky says:

    I was a bit surprised you guys didn't talk about Red Lobster getting sold. When I first saw that news article, my first thought was, "Oh, that'll be something they'll talk about on this week's podcast…" Ended up listening to episode one again, and there you guys are, talking about Red Lobster.

    Anyway, I wanted to mention I love these quizzes. Keep them going, please.

    • MikeyNeumann says:

      We talked about Red Lobster a bit, just not on the podcast. There's not a whole lot of interesting conversation there.

      • megan_made_this says:

        Though I maintain that before any Red Lobster filled Mikey & Kris Across America roadtrips go down, you should look into this Golden Gate Capital and make sure they aren't secretly affiliated with Tyson.

  22. Giggleloop says:

    Another great topic from episode one was Kris’s suggestion of doing “Nights…. with Mikey and Kris”. It’s been a year; that idea is surely due for a reconsideration, I think. 😉

    • MikeyNeumann says:

      I think a twenty-minute discussion of our testicles surely satiated whatever need that show could provide.

      Well, also our agreeing that sex is "icky" and "OH GOD WHAT IS THAT". 😀

      • Giggleloop says:

        This is true. Request rescinded. :)

        (As I’m sure has been fairly apparent, things have been pretty hormonal around here as of late. Some of us, myself most definitely included, don’t always have the steadiest of management of our impulses, shall we say. I’ll try to take hold of the reins and control myself.)

  23. Ems says:

    Thanks for evoking images of Kris and Mike pleasuring themselves as young men. That can be sarcastic if you want it to be.

  24. LMcCJ says:

    I recently had dinner with more than my fair share of people of the age of 75 and they had a lively conversation about going through airport security while *keeping their shoes on*–so there's that to look forward to.

  25. Giggleloop says:

    This is me testing out commenting, since the Jeffster is having issues. Pretend I'm not here.

  26. LMcCJ says:

    Why have you forsaken me?!! *shakes fist*

  27. LMcCJ says:

    Crap! That one went through. Now I just look silly.

    Cosplay! That's it, I'm cosplaying…um…someone who was forsaken. That's it. I'll be over here foraging for food or whatever it is the forsaken do.

    • Giggleloop says:

      So now that leaves us wondering what you commented before, that was lost to the ether…

      • LMcCJ says:

        It was a whole foot thing. 😉

        I don't know why the Administrator can't release it. How hard can it be? Maybe there are still some wrinkles that need to be smoothed out.

        • Giggleloop says:

          It might be an Intense Debate issue. I know I’m constantly having to re-log-in multiple times before it actually logs me in. And sometimes it eats comments, like on Mikey’s blog.

          Or maybe your foot thing was just auto filtered out because the boys set up a filter for that sort of thing.

          • LMcCJ says:

            So no fetish talk for the 'suitm'n? Now that I think about it, they haven't actually discussed this yet. Maybe I'll send that over to choose@ and see if we can plumb these depths.

            (You didn't really miss "release", "hard", "wrinkles", and "smooth", did you? You're working too hard today.)

          • Giggleloop says:

            I in fact missed all of those things. I'm off my game today!

            Feel free to talk fetishes, but for goodness sake don't bring feet into it, or the boys might permaban you for real! They're not footsmen!

          • ThomasG says:

            while it's clear that the 'suitm'n don't want to have anything to do with feet, I think it's fair to infer that they want people to have feet, as not having feet would likely be more off-putting than having them out and about. this seemed important when i started typing. honestly, i think i just wanted to test the filters and say hi to the jeffster and g-loop

          • LMcCJ says:

            Hi! Looks like we'll be left to our own devices this week. Mikey's been poisoned and Kris is the prime suspect. Interrogations always take twice as long when Two Cops is investigating.

            Personally, I think Kris poisoned Mikey with the pwnmeal at the con. He just used that slow-release kind of poison. But, why? What could Kris hope to get from Mikey…?

          • ThomasG says:

            Mikey's got a lot to offer a guy like Kris.
            – Skull
            – Teeth (few)
            – Cool Hair
            I personally would prefer Mikey to stick around, but I guess sometimes a guy needs a relic. Though if Kris is going Abrahamic, I hope he knows that most rites don't think that relics give powers to a person who helps to make them via murder. However, if he's going shamanic, well then that magic medicine should still work just fine (as far as I know, which isn't very far)

          • LMcCJ says:

            Interesting theory. I was going on the assumption that Kris would want MIkey out of the way but, what if Kris wanted to *become* Mikey?!! Kill 'im, skin 'im and wear the Mikeyskinsuit around town. Maybe it was that whole believable southern accent thing that started Kris down this road of no return. *sigh* Well, 55 was a great note to go out on.

          • ThomasG says:

            on second thought, maybe this train of thought needs to stop. fans have done weird and terrible things. I don't know how I'd feel about this dark imagery coming from red lights if I were in their shoes. I just want to make a public statement that I do not condone any violence coming to these podcastm'n, whether one brings it about upon the other or otherwise.

          • ThomasG says:

            whoa dark! well played, jeffster.

          • I feel like there was a "would you podcast with me? I'd podcast with me" that got left on the table here.

  28. Giggleloop says:

    See, y’all think it was the pwnmeal – I was going to suggest the 3000 fruits Mikey ate over the weekend. Any one of them could bave been tampered. Jake t’Jake has been suspiciously absent… he has the motive.

  29. LMcCJ says:

    My first thought was all the fish at the fish fry but, I didn't want to start a fight with the in-laws. Your Jake t'Jake theory has merit.

    • Giggleloop says:

      I mean, think about it. Who benefits? Who has grudges AND access to Mikey’s fruits??


  30. Giggleloop says:

    I miss your sweet voices, boys. There's an empty space between my ears that only the podcast can fill.

    Wait, that doesn't work… Back to the drawing board…

  31. meotwister says:

    I always thought "ain't" was a weird regional contraction of "am not".

    I ain't doing those jumping jacks, I am not doing those jumping jacks.

Comments are closed.