Episode 52 – Chainsawsuit: The Movie

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Welcome to the Texas CineMex Dome, home of the $16 Movie Margarita! Our feature presentation is about to begin. Please silence all cellphones, pagers, and set bootleg recording devices to Silent Mode.

Chainsawsuit: The Movie (2014)
Tagline:
This spring, only one podcast anniversary will bring Denver to its knees.
Starring: Kris Straub, Mikey Neumann
And introducing: Linda McCann Jeffers as “Linda McCann Jeffers”

Please don’t litter. STOP LITTERING, WE CAN SEE YOU

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45 Responses to Episode 52 – Chainsawsuit: The Movie

  1. Giggleloop says:

    Happy anniversary, guys! *cue confetti, fireworks, balloons, all that sort of thing*

    There is so much depth to this episode, I don't know where to begin! I loved the reminiscing flashback episode structure, within the framework of your action adventure. If this were actually to be an ending to these sorts of storyline-driven, continuity-based episodes, this would be a fitting finale. (Although I personally love the crazy shenanigans the storylines have gotten you into.)

    The randomness of the Jeffster being on the fringes was ..odd? But at least she brought scones? She's a classy lady. :)

    I can't say enough good things about your soundscape engineering this week, Mikey. I bet that project file had 100+ tracks in it, didn't it? The fact that you two can improve all of that action, and then convincingly bring it to life with sound effects, is so so great. And having all the songs in the background the entire time was a wonderful touch.

    Well done on year one – roll on, year two! :)

  2. fauxben says:

    When this podcast is old enough to drive and see R-rated movies, we'll look back nostalgically on these days.

    Congrats on the anniversary, and here's to many more!

  3. Kyle_Douglas says:

    I'm honestly posting this investigative report here more out of desperation than any real hope that someone will read it before it's deleted. I'm relying on the chance that some sort of archive version of these comments is pushed to an email Kris has control of.

    I began my deeper investigation into this episode after the obvious dark side action of Mikey giving Scare-enol to a child. The one bit of positivity in all this is that I'm fairly certain no children were harmed in the making of this episode. Trevor Jr. is obviously not under the effects of Scare-enol at the end of the adventure despite it only being half-an-hour since it was administered. Both Scare-enol Classic and Scare-enol Day have a reliable 8 hour effect for long-lasting terror.

    That was the good news. The bad news is that this leads to the inescapable conclusion that Mikey and Trevor Jr. were collaborating together. I suspect that the elder Trevor was also a collaborator and did not in fact die at all. Mikey's obviously been taking his sound editing skills to the next level and I suspect that he's moved on to visual effects. Being a fairly over the top guy he couldn't resist going full-on Scanners and blowing Trevor's "head" off using some whiz-bang practical effects. To ensure Kris was unable to inspect the remains of the dummy head the actors (also hired by Mikey) portraying "Officer Blanken's" squad began immediately destroying the evidence. Kris was suspicious of this action but was quickly distracted by the promise of food.

    I know many of you may have grown to love and trust Mikey over this year and so may be making excuses and alternate explanations for these oddities. I'd be doing the same thing if not for the plethora of other evidence:

    1. Kris doesn't recall installing the "Ubber Pro" app on his phone and is unsure whether to use it. Mikey encourages him. Mikey also immediately agrees to go to the Ubber-endorsed rib restaurant when Kris is showing signs of leaving.
    2. The Ubber driver travels at a relatively safe speed of 25 miles per hour (or perhaps even slower) when Mikey relents to Kris' efforts to escape. Kris is unharmed but Mikey sustains an injury severe enough to expose his bone. Based on the injury seemingly having relatively little effect on Mikey and the fact that he later is enthusiastic about showing off his bone popping in and out I suspect this is another practical special effect engineered by Mikey to draw sympathy from Kris and draw away suspicion from his involvement.
    3. The nearly empty Applebee's appears to be playing a song sung by Mikey.
    4. Mikey is the one to suggest stealing a car. The car happens to be playing "Chainsaws of Love".
    5. Mikey doesn't question how the Ubber driver found them again later. It isn't until Kris suggests it was because of his phone that he discusses it.
    6. Finally, upon realizing that this all may have been recorded on his phone like Episode 50, Mikey wiped and attempted to brick Kris' iPhone and reset his iCloud account. Thankfully these attempts seem to have failed and Kris still managed to get this recording into our hands.

    I don't know what all this adds up to. It could be as simple as Mikey receiving kickbacks from Tyson. A less cynical person might believe that Mikey is being blackmailed into taking these actions. All I know is that Kris was taken for a ride in more way than one in this episode.

    I already tried to submit these concerns to the proper authorities and in response received a form-letter from the TSNSA. The fact that this form-letter was printed on an Applebee's napkin is further evidence of some sort of vast conspiracy.

    If you did manage to read this before whatever dark forces are controlling these events delete it: Trust no one. Least of all me. Investigate for yourself. Maybe try to cross-reference these clues with the events of Episode 21. Mikey was insistent on getting Kris to agree to avoid Denver in the future: so that may be the place to start. Godspeed, Chainsawsuit Crusader.

    • MikeyNeumann says:

      My Tyson's Lawyer has instructed me to reply "I have no comment on these allegations."

    • Qmzn says:

      I hear your concerns, fellow citizen, and would like to hear more about these concerns in person. A driver will be arriving shortly, to take you to our secure facility. (Hail Tyson)

      You may see signs at the entrance to the facility marked, "Surgical Testing and Torture Annex". That's from the previous owners. We acquired the buildings just a few weeks ago, and haven't changed the signs. (Hail Tyson)

      Please be assured, you are a valued member of the commenter community. No harm will come to you. (Hail Tyson (╯・_・)╯)

      • MikeyNeumann says:

        (Hail Tyson) *Knowing fist-bump and sideways glance*

      • Kyle_Douglas says:

        Thank heavens for you, Qmzn. I knew someone would believe me! The evidence keeps piling up: Just under 17 minutes into the recording Mikey claims to be unable to whistle. 45 minutes into the recording he casually suggests to Kris that they whistle together.

        I'm uncertain whether this glaring inconsistency was a deliberate attempt by Mikey to try to let Kris know that everything wasn't what it seemed and he was powerless to say so outright… or if it was a move of cartoonish supervillainy simply to mock Kris' inability to see the wool being pulled over his eyes.

        Your completely innocuous offer for protection is appreciated, but it seems better to stay on the move. I'll try to stay in touch through Red Lobsters with wifi access points. Based on previous podcast episodes it seems to be the safest location to avoid Mikey until the truth can be established.

        • MikeyNeumann says:

          HAHAHAHA. (Let's all break character for a moment)

          I realized TWO inconsistencies while I was editing this episode, and I couldn't realize figure out a way to fix them — so I left them in.

          One, as you noticed, was that I clearly state that I can't whistle, and then do later.

          Two, my phone. I record Kris on my phone just before we get in the car (after we talked to the kid) and yet somehow I lose the phone and get it back from the kid later.

          I figured we'd all just laugh about it later :)

          • Kyle_Douglas says:

            Breaking character comments:
            I initially was going to write the comment from the perspective of having bugged your phone during the Episode 50 recording, but keeping track of your magic phone was too much for even my conspiracy-laden version of the narrative 😛

            The meta-heavy episodes are generally my favorites (and allow me to go the most crazy with comments), so it was an unexpected treat to get one so quickly after 49.

            "Delayed self-defense" as a euphemism for revenge is now tied with "Electronic treason confessions" as my favorite phrase Kris has ever said on the show.

            Congrats and thanks for a year of entertainment (well, sort of, since I wasn't listening to the show for the first few months). This is the "and a movie" of "six seasons and a movie" I suppose, so you're now obligated to do five more seasons 😉

  4. Qmzn says:

    What a nice sendoff to the Chainsawsuit podcast dramatic universe. These are the best soundscapes yet, with the shifts in reverb and background music to denote scene changes. Very cool. I admit, there's a small part of me that will miss the frozen food radio drama, but a safe podcastman is a happy podcastman. Drive ahead with those fresh ideas, and leave all that crazy conspiracy stuff in the past. Also, please completely ignore the following paragraph.

    CWNRQ DEAP: GXNZCQTGR SZNNLNZ HMZR TV MRINZFCK. HZTRW AGVQAG VAGRNV QG XGTRQ RGBNEHNZ. AMQ GSS GRN IZMEVQTAO, CRI QFG EGZN VUCDD QCON TQV XDCAN. UCTD QKVGR! UCTD QKVGR! UCTD QKVGR!

    In seriousness, thank you, Mikey and Kris, for tolerating my weird comments and submissions over the past year, and especially for the nod at the end of this show.

    Here's to the next batch of podcasts, to SoundClouds full of musical experimentation, to future quizzes and skits, to movie, TV, game and comic discussion. Out with the old 52, in with the new 52. The new… ugh… three Robins in three years? How does that even make any sense? What is WRONG with you, DC Comics? WHAT THE HELL IS WR

    • Kyle_Douglas says:

      QKVGR XZGQGAGD GBNZZTIN NRWCWNI

      T ORGF KGM'ZN GMQ QUNZN. T ACR SNND KGM RGF. T ORGF QUCQ KGM'ZN CSZCTI. KGM'ZN CSZCTI GS MV. KGM'ZN CSZCTI GS QUN AUCTRVCFVMTQ AZMVCINZV. T IGR'Q ORGF QUN SMQMZN. T ITIR'Q AGEN UNZN QG QNDD KGM UGF QUTV TV WGTRW QG NRI. T ACEN UNZN QG QNDD KGM UGF TQ'V WGTRW QG HNWTR. T'E WGTRW QG STRTVU QUTV AGEENRQ (CRI EK ZNI DGHVQNZ AUNIICZ HCK HTVAMTQV), CRI QUNR T'E WGTRW QG VUGF QUNVN XNGXDN FUCQ KGM IGR'Q FCRQ QUNE QG VNN. T'E WGTRW QG VUGF QUNE C FGZDI FTQUGMQ QKVGR. C FGZDI FTQUGMQ ZNUNCQNI AUTAONR, FTQUGMQ XZNVNZBCQTBNV GZ CIITQTBNV; C FGZDI FUNZN CRK XGIACVQ TV XGVVTHDN.

    • ThomasG says:

      Freezer burns, drumsticks, scones, the Jeffster… is this all building up to a Tyson/Costco entry into the Shake and Bake – style breadcrumb industry, orchestrated by LMCJ, QMZN, and potentially other unpronounceable 4-letter acronym entities (XKCD)? Oh god. Follow the webcomics. It's like they WANT you to follow them. We'll connect the dots.

  5. Giggleloop says:

    Also, happy anniversary to all of us podcast fans. We may not be the largest community, but I’ve enjoyed getting to know y’all over the last year. :)

    (Especially my Chainsawgals [name not finalized]. ♡ You complete me.)

    We still haven’t come up with a name yet, yhough. Figments of Kris and Mikey’s imagination, maybe? (Ah shoot, I shouldn’t have said that! Everybody be cool! Act natural…)

    • Stouffer's Derek says:

      *Room starts to shake* *Kim Catrall clones attack* Aw, crap.

      This dream has Inception logic.

  6. brock says:

    Eventual pre-meditated self-defense.

  7. ThomasG says:

    Mikey, in spite of your accomplishments, I had no idea who you were when this thing started last year, but I'm quite glad to have heard your stuff and become a fan.

    Kris, you were already good at this kind of thing but it seems that your professional banter skills have gotten more honed; the PAX East panel really kicked it up a notch from previous endeavors (which already were good).

    Thanks for knocking these things out week after week. They make Mondays awesome and

  8. Stouffer's Derek says:

    Come on, guys! You threw away my number?

    That hurts.

    It especially hurts given that I KEPT the melted styrofoam plate, and the note you wrote me on a napkin (“I will never trust fast food again. I don’t trust you. -Mikey, Stay rad!- Kris.”)

    Anyway, it’s been a great year (I can’t believe it’s been a year), and here’s to an even better one.

    Love,

    S.D

    • LMcCJ says:

      I *seriously* thought you were going to drop in and save the day.

      • Sarah Kelly says:

        I would have, I would have. *shoots Mikey and Kris a look*
        It’s okay, I was busy anyway.There was a Cheers marathon on TV, I watched it with Dougy and T. Hiddy (you know, the other unwanted chainsaw-characters)

  9. Sarah Kelly says:

    I’m scared. 49 shook me up pretty bad. Did anybody notice how many times Kris said he “couldn’t remember” significant events? He said he had “no long-term memory”. Something is seriously wrong.
    MIKEY DRUGGED AN INNOCENT CHILD. He got hit, accidentally, with a boomerang, TOLD the kid to call his father, then used that as an excuse to give him a highly harmful drug. He then let Kris take the wrap for stealing a car, something that was HIS. IDEA. Then he “found” a gun and put it into the hands of a man who confessed to shooting a gun twice, 20 years ago, who states that he has, I repeat, no long term memory. S
    Something is really wrong. Ever since 21 it’s been a downward spiral; rushed marriage, divorce, nudity, drugs. Mikey was pushed over the edge of a lasagne ravine, toppling into violent and dangerous habits. And Kris would do anything for him.
    And here we are, the commenters, at their every beck and call, and isn’t it true that we would do the same?
    It’s been a great 52 episodes, friends. Here’s to 52 more.
    If we survive that long.

  10. LMcCJ says:

    Just to be clear, if I show up, you're dancing! And, the scones would be fresh baked (I'll get Sarah Kelly to bring the clotted cream).

    Protip, Kris: Don't double douche with dairy. No good can come of that.

    The surest bet at the ice-cream truck is always the Chipwich. You don't suck frozen phallus in public. As far as the Scarenol Orange Nightmare Pop is concerned, my 12 year old overheard that part. Her eyes grew wide, she sucked in her breath, and said, "I know what that is!" Forever scarred.

    Applebee's staff sounds like Six Flags (here in NJ, anyway, we get an international staff). The waitress who gets off on actual boners…I don't want to ship anyone but, Abby Howard does have that collection.

    I thought you guys were going to whistle the Mayberry RFD tune. That was the only musical misstep the entire episode. (I truly cannot whistle. Lauren Bacall was a liar.)

    Love the Anniversary Soundtrack with special appearance by Nick Q.

    (Stay tuned for my upcoming appearances on SModcast and Night Vale.)

    • frostyplum says:

      "You Don't Suck Frozen Phallus in Public: The Linda McCann Jeffers Story"
      Foreword by Stouffer's Derek
      Dedicated to the memory of Trevor Tyson, Sr.

      • Qmzn says:

        "You Don't Suck Frozen Phallus in Public" may be my most favorite thing to come out of the CSSP comments section, ever. I want that to become a metaphor for really bad ideas you should never act upon, then be added to the list of sentence-ending abbreviations, such as etc. and Q.E.D. Example:

        "He thought it was a good idea to sing 'Rainbow Connection' in the style of Death Metal to a bunch of preschoolers, YDSFPIP."

  11. I was set up for a third window dive. Now it's going to come when I least expect it.

  12. frostyplum says:

    Not only can I never touch Kris or Mikey's level of talent, I can't even comprehend how incredible my fellow commenters are. WAY TO MAKE ME FEEL INADEQUATE, GUYS.

    I thought at first that maybe it'd be commercials all the way down, as most movie-going experiences seem to be, and you know what? I would have been okay with that. I listened to this podcast flat on my back in bed, to head a migraine off at the pass. In my zen-like state, the sophistication of the sound design really shone through. You guys are crazy for doing this week after week, but you're my kind of crazy. I could go on and on about how CSS has inspired me to laugh, cry, bliss out on songs, tweet incessantly, draw questionable material, force it on friends and family…but simply put, I love you guys. Here's to another dynamite year. *raises a tall, cool glass of Hidden Skyy*

    • Giggleloop says:

      *clinks glasses* Cheers, milady. :)

    • Qmzn says:

      Funny, I usually listen while I work, but this time I was in bed too, using earbuds with the lights off. I'm still not sure why I chose to do it that way. Maybe I was subconsciously seeking a darkened theater experience.

      I'll probably listen that way from now on, though. It's relaxing, in a sensory-deprived sort of way.

      • MikeyNeumann says:

        Heh, I listened back to it last night (and a few other episodes as well). I was, also, in bed.

        Weird. (But cool.)

        • frostyplum says:

          *cracks open fortune cookie*

          "You will listen to a goofass podcast with two guys talking about brands, movies and food."

          …IN BED

          • Giggleloop says:

            Guys, I listened to it intially on Sunday evening, in bed… It's becoming clear why your video series is called On A Bed. It seems to be the ideal listening position.

  13. sheanam says:

    If I had the time to animate, I would definitely make an attempt at Mikey needlessly crashing through the window while Kris just walks out the door.

    Happy podiversary! Cheers and thank yous for filling the dark, never-ending yet quickly-dwindling passage of fleeting time that is a year with only occasionally disturbing entertainment!

  14. Daphnetrodon says:

    I'm always struck by the way you two commit to whatever you do on the show. When you decide to have a serious emotional discussion, you're honest and forthright and willing to share a lot. When you decide to just do something silly, you have a casual-sounding discussion that the listeners are all in on. When you decide to go all-out with absolutely ridiculous comedy, you knock it out of the park and release a hell of a hilarious episode.
    The winks and nods and semaphore signals to previous episodes all worked, and you guys avoided a lot of the pitfalls I would have chosen to indulge, like bringing in a bunch of other characters. The allusion to Kim was good because it referenced that little saga without reviving the storyline, and the same goes for the reference to Tiny Turtle. Chainsawsuit might be building an impressive array of running gags and continuity references, but you never seem to fall back on them lazily or use them as crutches when you can't think of anything else to do.
    I've missed KCAT (or just CAT, or K&MCAT) lately because I'm always curious about the opinions you two have on…well, basically anything the listeners throw at you, like my question about media representation or people wondering about philosophical things or talking about their personal struggles, BUT that absence is nowhere near as bad as it could be with the rest of the show being so phenomenal. Whatever you guys decide to talk about or introduce or drop, I will keep listening. And after the heat-death of the universe renders our galaxy uninhabitable and I'm escaping the solar system to return to my own kind, I will be sure to download the no doubt massive chainsawsuit backlog to preserve on my hard drive so I can listen to them all, over and over again. 'cause you guys are just way too hilarious to stop being a fan of.

  15. Allie the Gator says:

    I hear it's rumored that, in the sequel, Linda "Linda McCann Jeffers" McCann Jeffers gets a singing part.

    • LMcCJ says:

      William Shatner and I are preparing our duet. How did you find out?!!
      ___
      For the youngsters who were busy twinkling In their parents' eyes at the time: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=lul-Y8vSr0I

    • Giggleloop says:

      I think the Jeffster should start going by that full name professionally. Get some new business cards printed up as Linda “Linda McCann Jeffers” McCann Jeffers. Granted, they’ll be the size of index cards, but they’ll be super impressive.

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