the five-star conundrum

Apr09

on April 9, 2012

i am fortunate to have been able to stay at a fancy hotel once in a while. but here are the differences between a regular hotel and a fancy hotel:

at regular hotels, the internet is free
at regular hotels, you can close a door while you go potty
this door is also opaque and not (a) delicately frosted or (b) an austere glass portal through which can be viewed the ultimate intimacy
and no one in the lobby glares at you if you are meeting the papa john’s delivery boy down there

└ Tags: 30-watt bulb, anniversary, fancy, hotel, luxury, poop, privacy, research and development, shower

bonjovifriday

Regular hotels also don't generate a sense of unease when there is no mint on your pillow, or a lack of exquisitely shaped towel fauna in the bathroom.
@mlsterben

At cheap hotels the TVs have inputs for your video games, while at expensive hotels you have to pay an hourly charge to use their video games.
- wykstrad
  
  Sooo… Holiday Inn is an expensive hotel?
The_TJ

"We can also stop spending money on those stupid beds and put the mattresses right on the floor."
Hotel Yoda

There is no bathe. Only poop.
- Marty
  
  I would say you're full of shit.
B. Phoenix

Because 15 dollar water bottles are helpful for atmosphere.
o0o

ooh, très european! as far as i know
Donnyfightworld

The class of dead hooker you might find under your bed is much better too.
- Eco-Friendly!
  
  For a nominal fee (which is business speak for the opposite of nominal), you can have a genuine dead hooker that slept with, and was perhaps killed by, a drug addled Charlie Sheen! Winning (for the Hotel!)!
sum1won

Some girl I know once convinced me to stay in a 'rustic bungalow resort' at are-you-serious dollars a night.

Turns out rustic is code for 'drafty, with ants'.
tradertimm

In the super-swank suites you don't have a bed, you sleep in a large recessed pit that gently recirculates warm water all night. This naturally leads to dreams about taking a long leisurely pee in the swimming pool you just happen to be in.

Then you flush in the morning, at $100 a pull.
- FanMan
  
  I guess you don't remember the complimentary bowl of warm water to "wash your hand in" that your roommate told you came free with the room.
Jantal

Papa John's? Ooh la la, alright there Mr. Swank with your swanky swanking about.

Where I come from we go the English muffin with ketchup and cheese route. In fact, forget the muffin! We just eat ketchup and cheese!
Eco-Friendly!

Ok, we've generated five additional ideas to help curb costs. We're going to market all of our hotels to customers who like going green!

First off we'll break all the Air-conditioners in the hotels and leave them locked at 80 degrees. We'll tell the customers that we're doing our part to help curb our country's dependance on Coal. Second, we'll fumigate the hotel once every third year. If the customers complain about the bugs, we'll tell them that the hotel is contentious about its ecological footprint and so is trying to give back to the natural world. Third, we'll remove the expensive candy and replace it with even more expensive trail mix, granola bars and bottled water (with plenty of added salt). Fourth, we'll stop drying used linens and towels and instead hang them out each room's window to "Air dry, the way nature intended." Finally, we'll eliminate beds and replace them with Futons, which are much easier to clean! If customers complain about the Futons, we'll offer them the "Triple Mattress Experience" for a "small" fee *wink wink*.
- Commenter
  
  I was at a heavy metal concert called "The Triple Mattress Experience".I woke up the next morning smelling like urine and Nyquil and with an unusual lack of pants. I had no memory of the experience and only new I was there because of a red stamp on my left butt-cheek that I still can't wash off.
- Prior Semblance
  
  80 degrees is a bit colder than my family keeps my house so sounds good to me.
Totema

I remember trying to spend the night at a four-star hotel in Tennesee a while back. The bathroom sink was missing. I shit you not, there was a bathroom counter and a gap where a sink clearly should have been, yet none was to be found. Then I wondered how much worse the lower-rated hotels could have been.
- tropital
  
  I like to imagine there is a negative amount of sinks in those lower-rated hotels.
  
  For every room, they have to steal a sink from somebody, and toss it into the trash.
- Teeth
  
  Maybe it was like your own personal art exhibit? When you told the staff about it, did they roll their eyes and make comments about how you just don't get it?
@nabrahamson

"So instead of rooms, guests get little 3" x 5" x 7" drawers. The hotel managers can earn their keep by opening and closing them to let our guests in and out at night. We don't need restroom facilities, there is a Turkish bath next door that we offer access to.

Gentlemen, this is the future of hotels"
oobgarm

I'm not sure if I'd want Scott watching me poop or bathe, either.
- D, just D
  
  I like how you're "not sure". For most people, they're quite sure they don't want that experience. You actually have to put some thought into it, like there's some things to put into the "pro" column.
  - sum1won
    
    Well, you'd be around scott. Which honestly sounds pretty sweet.
    - Hagrok
      
      I wonder if he'd have an amusing commentary?
      - D, just D
        
        "That's how you poop? Seriously? Those little things? They could box that up and sell it as rabbit food. I thought you were a normal human being with normal bodily functions. I don't know what that is, but that is NOT normal. You lied to me. Yes, yes you did. When you said you were a human being. Okay, yes, maybe you never said that, per se, but the implication was there."
      - John
        
        That's too mean to be scott
      - derp
        
        Then why did I naturally read that in his voice?
  - Steve B.
    
    Listen, D, Oobgarm is just keeping an open mind about Scott Kurtz watching him poop. You don't have to go and be a dick about it.
Pay-to-sleep scale

get stabbed — can't complain — basically just buying breakfast — paying for window — you are rich — get stabbed (this time by a classy assassin while you are sipping gold out of also gold)
- derp
  
  can someone translate this for me please i don't get it
  - itisascale
    
    itisascale
Milo

And you're probably thinking "Well, pooping's not great but I could stand to watch my lady bathe." Then you learn that they've combined the bath and the toilet to save a bundle on porcelain.
Code Red

Regular hotel maids wait for you to answer after knocking. In fancy hotels they're actually turning the doorknob with their other hand while they're knocking, so they can catch you and your wife enjoying *cough* intimate time.

I mean, what sort of perverts book a posh hotel for their wedding anniversary and then decide to have sex? Sickos…

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the five-star conundrum

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