if you want to feel horrible about yourself all day, just imagine that dick clark and ed mcmahon are narrating everything you’re doing to a tittering studio audience, waiting for the practical joke to land. except the joke is your whole life

“now he’s getting two… no, three eggs.” studio audience laughs
“turning up the stove — guess the pan wasn’t hot enough with it off!” hahahaha
“where do you think this is going to end up, ed?” “i can’t wait to find out!”