oh, the husband on the beer commercial. all you want to do is shirk all possible responsibility and drink the beer of your choice. you are married, but we don’t really get a sense of why you married in the 30 seconds we are with you.

your wife is present, but she is usually mad at you. why? it’s often because you would rather have a beer and try to sneak watching the football game than mow the lawn or get groceries. i’m not sure why your wife stays, beer commercial husband.

when she’s out of sight, you crack open a beer and suddenly you’re transported to a sports bar, where the bikini swim team is delighted to see you. the music is raucous, and you keep the company of boors. your work goes unfinished, and your wife is denied your attention and affection.

when your wife returns, there is no lawn mowed — there is an elaborate beer-driven contraption that was supposed to mow the lawn, but instead put a car-sized hole in the den wall. there are no groceries, at least not the ones on the shopping list — you bought eight sirloin steaks, lighter fluid, a foam #1 finger, potato chips, a keychain that plays fart sounds, and a 12-pack of smitson ice.

beer commercial husband, your plight is that of blindness to her plight. your only explanation you offer when she found you pouring kitty litter into the bathtub is a sheepish grin. you impulse-bought a motorcycle when the two of you were saving for a minivan, and your solution is to get a sidecar and a baby-sized germanic helmet that reads “lunch time” beneath a cartoon drawing of some tits. you are late for the party, again, because you refused to get directions, and ended up getting your host a big-e-pak of eclipse gum for their housewarming.

your wife is mortified. surely this isn’t the man she married! is it?

is it?

you want to change. but it’s always been easier to buy a laser pointer instead.

oh, beer commercial husband. it’s not all your fault. you were bred to be a twit. but something has to give. you can’t survive alone, and the bikini swim team is only here for the booze.