Harry Potter and the Very Advanture, Parts 1 and 2

Author’s note: In 2003, there was a news article making the rounds about how the next unreleased Harry Potter book was so hotly anticipated that some bookstores in Asia claimed to be carrying it already. Of course, they were actually carrying a fake knockoff of a Harry Potter novel, written by someone else in a rush to scam fans and make a quick buck. After I read that article, I wrote five very short chapters of a badly-translated fake Harry Potter story. Shortly afterward, I lost all trace of it. I have searched for them for the last eight or nine years in vain.

Tonight, while idly looking through an old hard drive, I found them again. I am very pleased to bring you Harry Potter and the Very Advanture, Parts 1 and 2.

The 1 Chapters

“O great !” say Harry as surprised ! “You havent expected these enemy in the enjoyable town .” Above Harry ,stands ghost of very strong perspective . Harry is so suprised ! He has hard times to move !

“OK ,I got the guts !” Hermione eyes dance in burning lights from ghost bodie .”You cant stop here, OK!!!”

But ghost is unwilling fellow of ancient . He show Harry and Hermione incredible teeths . Such a fear !!! Soon after comes familiar partner of school-mate, Draco . “O ! What ! Its so cold !!!” say Hermione . Bawdy winds ,flap up skirt of Hermione ! Showing the white girl panties . Who did this !! It was ghost.

“Ha Ha Ha ,” say Draco riding with sweeping brush at steady hand . So expert ! You cant believe ! “I looks like I released the accidental ghost .” Now you are ready for FIGHTS !!!

Harry must have been care of ghost ,and dodge teeth strike ,using ultimate precision . “Is this the best !!” say Harry . “You are cowardly ,and are very the bungs .” Coarse talk make Hermione blushes ! So carefree of Harry to say such . He must use cautious attitude ,in lady company .

“Have care !” say Draco ,above the heros . “As destruction mounts ,eternally this is my destiny … ” Draco fly far off and takes fearful ghost along . Hermione is breath out !! Her bosoms heaving . “O ! Harry . You did it ,OK !!!”

A pleasing victory ,but Harry knows soon will be return of Draco . SUPER !!!

The 2 Chapters

Hermione and Harrys walks up to wise and small village . They are forceful to talk in old man ,with conversation . “Hay ! Be a careful !” Harry looks out to find bucket of water flying ,so close !! Almost hit but not so quite . It was from old man in the above stairs of man’s home .

“You looking for me !!” old man shout . He is very boisterous ,doing the exercise all nights long . “Wow ,this is an impressive !!” say Harry after caught oggling of old man . “You have many strongs, how !!”

Old man is so quiet for the fellows to hear . If he not be the silence ,like timid mouse under-foot ,maybe that enemys learn the vigorous secret . “Harry I will say it to you” say old man. “You must eat many garlic for super and very health !!”

“O ! GARLIC !! I NEVER ATE !!” say Hermione . She so embarrassed she wet pants ! All boys come to see .

“Garlic make breath so bad !! Easy to corrupt the sweet airs of companions nose .” Hermione is polite girl ,very care not to upset the friends of small town .

The old man is disaproval . He pace back up to top of house ,start more exercising. “That is true life !! Follow your elders words ,childs . YOU BE OK !!!” And old man vanish ! Where did this one go !! To away .

Before to find Draco ,Harry must encounter this learn .


  • “You are cowardly ,and are very the bungs .”

    Up to that point, I had been reading and enjoying a refreshing beverage. Then, my computer monitor was mysteriously soaked. Also, I'm choking. Hope that gets better.

    • As soon as I read it I made a conscious decision to use that sentence as frequently as possible in everyday conversation. Even at the risk of alienating all my closest friends.

      (But if they can't handle that, then they are just cowardly ,and are very the bungs.)

      (…I am sorry.)

  • Man At Work

    Draco had was the laughing !!! "My spell water chant has success !" the words of Draco said. "I can have made gCrusher's monitor wet from long far!!!"

    THE END ?

  • Glass_skunk

    Dumbleentrance congratulte boy Harry. Hooray. Time for celebrate!

    😀 Hahaha, i'm laughin' like crazy over here!

  • zachhald

    "Bawdy winds ,flap up skirt of Hermione ! Showing the white girl panties . Who did this !! It was ghost."

    Wow, hardly do descriptions in prose reach such poetic heights. Kris, your translation truly captures the beauty of the original story.

  • Hagrok

    "He must use cautious attitude ,in lady company"

    That is incredible advise.

  • Jakob

    It's no Deathly Hallows, but it'll have to do.
    Call Daniel Radcliffe, we have a franchise to milk!

  • Quasar

    Great stuff Kris.

    Now change the names, write a few hundred pages of this, and make it about some sort of sex fetish.
    That's how you get the big bucks.

  • Did you do mock bad translation or did you use a machine translator?

    • krisstraub

      I did not use a machine, I just made up bad English. I think the biggest selling point for me is the spaces before most punctuation. Eastern approximations of Western typefaces are fixed-width and have incorrect, probably-empirically-derived rules for typesetting.

      Come to think of it, working for a company where a lot of people didn't use the best English kind of gave me some insight into how English is misparsed by non-native speakers.

      • FloatingDino


      • I'm impressed then by how thoroughly you mangled english.

      • Red no5

        I read this whole story in MonoType Grotesque, and somehow that just made it even funnier.

        • MrCanoehead

          Are you sure you don't mean Times Mono? That's a pretty grotesque font, and one that seems to pop up in English-by-Asians text a lot.

          • Red no5

            Nope, I definitely mean MonoType Grotesque. It makes the story look like it's trying to be avant-garde in the post-WWII era.

  • "using ultimate precision" awesome

  • The beautifully disfigured!! language mangled ,vivacious use for the jolly humors.

  • KaptinKrabs

    This to much joy i have when read !

    You make many amuse !

  • Pogson

    This is beyond perfect.

  • Hagrok

    Why did you get downvoted for complimenting Kris's work? That's just craziness.

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  • RoboGoofers


    oops! I looks like I released the accidental ghost .

  • Reignleif

    This story is so expert I cant believe !

  • Win and awesome. Story is much full!

  • poopy

    when i read, i must admit, my white girl panties were soiled, and all the boys ran over to see 🙁