Guess I'm The Best: How Games Made Me Sexy and Great

Read these tweets for reference: [1] [2] [3] [4] [5]

This article is part of a series where I try to get hired at Kotaku as a gaming columnist.

“Beep, beep, beep.” My Pikachu alarm clock goes off on my nightstand, but I’m already awake. I feel just like Nathan Hale in Resistance. (Or at least Joe Capelli.)

I don’t know why I love video games as much as I do, but I do. Oh sure, I got the lectures from my dad about how they were a waste of life. “You know what’s a waste of life is when you realize you’ve been trying to beat the Dragon God from Demon’s Souls the wrong way,” I would always retort. That quieted him down. Whether it was gaming, anime or collectible card games, I wonder if my dad worried exactly which fandom rabbit-hole I’d be lost down forever, like poor Alice.

But not Lewis Carroll’s Alice. American McGee’s Alice.

Even though I phonetically memorized the lyrics to the Neon Genesis Evangelion theme song (true story!), it wasn’t anime that would punch my geek card. It was video games. Each day, I put on my Ex Officio underwear (Give-N-Go Aztecs, $30 a pair — the only underwear I will allow to cradle my family jewels), my RVCA jeans, my beat-to-hell Chucks, a silk vintage bowling shirt and a pair of taped-up Oakleys I punched the lenses out of.

Shirt? No need.

Today is Video Game Day… and a shirt would only get in the way.

I approach the obsidian altar that is my PS3 and mount up. (My bedroom has seen a fair amount of mounting, in its day — I’ve bedded at least four different women in my life, but that’s a different kind of game. U MAD BRO?) Today’s gaming sesh: Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning. All day. Until it’s done.

When you’re me, it’s that easy.

My HTC Amaze 4G is crazy-ringing off the hook. (No weak Apple “sauce” here, bro.) It’s one of my friends from my college group of bangers. We called ourselves the Hard Boys. I’m a hard boy for life and I’d love a night out of buds and suds. But not today. Not today. Because it’s Video Game Day.

Guess I’m the best.

Kris Straub is a hard boy who’s down to get rude. He is a writer, actor, musician, chef, and will teabag the living f out of you in Killzone 3.

I hope I got all the elements right. I know authenticity is crucial, and I’m worried I didn’t mention enough games and brands.

  • Not enough Day 1 DLC anger.

    I hope I get promoted for this.

  • Amazing. Also, this guy does exist on XBL, shouting continuous swear words and racial slurs while playing (insert your favorite FPS here).

  • doubleofive

    I'm so glad I stopped reading Gawker sites.

  • ashleywr

    Awesome awesome awesome. Don't forget to blame readers and Gabe/Mike for bullying Paul Christoforo. I.E. http://kotaku.com/5872042/a-beatdown-where-no-one

    • Dan

      The abbreviation you want is e.g.

      • can't believe you got a thumbs-down for that

        realtalk ie vs eg isn't that hard to figure out and i'm glad i'm not the only one who calls people on it

      • RockTofu

        I'm not sure if I agree with you there. The abbreviation "i.e." stands for "id est", which is Latin for "that is", and is used when referencing something specific. On the other hand, "e.g." stands for "exempli gratia", meaning "for example", which indicates that the example presented is not a complete list of all possible examples.

        In Ashleywr's post, she is referring to only one blog post from Kotaku and then specifies which post she was referring to, hence the "i.e." Using "e.g." would imply that there are more posts made on the subject, which, to the best of my knowledge, is not the case. For that reason, I would say that Ashleywr's use of "i.e." is correct.

  • cloudymusic

    Yo Kris, this is Trey from Kotaku (or "The Ku", as we call it). Saw your piece, great stuff. Just one thing to make it extra pro: can you fit in some menshes of Gamer Grub and Mountain Dew Game Fuel somewhere? They're our cool sponsors, plus they deliver the gaming energy that helps keep you rockin' those frags and zappin' points, so we can't leave 'em hanging in our sweet coverage.

    Once you do that, I'll shoot your article along to the high-ups. If they dig it, we can get you working right away on a photo spread of con girls wearing Portal T-shirts.

  • jonathan

    kris, I think I love you.

  • A good first draft. Needs some Portal 2 references.

    • iMasturbate

      Needs nothing but Portal 2 references.

  • My favorite part was where I don't believe anything you bragged about

  • Dave

    Needs more unsubstantiated rumors. Did you fact-check this? No? Good. Also, deleting negative comments wouldn't hurt.

  • Donnyfightworld

    Not enough references to how you can't believe you're a grown ass man that watches My Little Pony.

    • o0o

      who would could have ever believed, after a lifetime spent watching 8 hours of cartoons a day, that i would one day watch a cartoon… made for girls!

    • Gaekub

      As a fan myself, I think these people:
      "Hey everyone, I love My Little Pony, isn't that crazy?"
      Are just as annoying (if not more so) as these people:
      "You are all pedophiles"

  • Tom Sexton

    Yes.

  • Noukon

    Needs to be about five times longer. Copy-pasting what's already there and changing the wording slightly ought to do it.

  • I need a flattering picture of you with this quote, nice and big, in a classy CSS div: "Today is Video Game Day… and a shirt would only get in the way."

    Just throw that in a side bar. yeah.

  • another man

    I love it, but you need to totally diss a game that's gotten a little too popular

  • Yep

    Needs some Nintendo bashing completely out of left field, like how you're too much of a Hardcore Gamer to "waggle your Wiimote around". Throw in a jab at Sonic, too.

    Also a "Hard game = Great game!" mindset couldn't hurt.

  • salmonsteak118

    skyrim

  • tradertimm

    Needs a light salting of homophobic terms. More 'Bro' references, times you were out with the 'dudes', or told your current girlfriend to 'pound sand' because video games were going to rock your 'joystick' tonight.

    Eh, just easier to become a New Jersey douchebag.

  • Arlo

    Worked for me up until the brand references. You forgot the affiliate links.

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  • Needs more unsubstantiated rumors. Did you fact-check this? No? Good. Also, deleting negative comments wouldn't hurt.