Guess I'm The Best: How Games Made Me Sexy and Great

Read these tweets for reference: [1] [2] [3] [4] [5]

This article is part of a series where I try to get hired at Kotaku as a gaming columnist.

“Beep, beep, beep.” My Pikachu alarm clock goes off on my nightstand, but I’m already awake. I feel just like Nathan Hale in Resistance. (Or at least Joe Capelli.)

I don’t know why I love video games as much as I do, but I do. Oh sure, I got the lectures from my dad about how they were a waste of life. “You know what’s a waste of life is when you realize you’ve been trying to beat the Dragon God from Demon’s Souls the wrong way,” I would always retort. That quieted him down. Whether it was gaming, anime or collectible card games, I wonder if my dad worried exactly which fandom rabbit-hole I’d be lost down forever, like poor Alice.

But not Lewis Carroll’s Alice. American McGee’s Alice.

Even though I phonetically memorized the lyrics to the Neon Genesis Evangelion theme song (true story!), it wasn’t anime that would punch my geek card. It was video games. Each day, I put on my Ex Officio underwear (Give-N-Go Aztecs, $30 a pair — the only underwear I will allow to cradle my family jewels), my RVCA jeans, my beat-to-hell Chucks, a silk vintage bowling shirt and a pair of taped-up Oakleys I punched the lenses out of.

Shirt? No need.

Today is Video Game Day… and a shirt would only get in the way.

I approach the obsidian altar that is my PS3 and mount up. (My bedroom has seen a fair amount of mounting, in its day — I’ve bedded at least four different women in my life, but that’s a different kind of game. U MAD BRO?) Today’s gaming sesh: Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning. All day. Until it’s done.

When you’re me, it’s that easy.

My HTC Amaze 4G is crazy-ringing off the hook. (No weak Apple “sauce” here, bro.) It’s one of my friends from my college group of bangers. We called ourselves the Hard Boys. I’m a hard boy for life and I’d love a night out of buds and suds. But not today. Not today. Because it’s Video Game Day.

Guess I’m the best.

Kris Straub is a hard boy who’s down to get rude. He is a writer, actor, musician, chef, and will teabag the living f out of you in Killzone 3.

I hope I got all the elements right. I know authenticity is crucial, and I’m worried I didn’t mention enough games and brands.