chainsawsuit – internet humor, fresh-cut

Pompeii in 3D (2014)

An ancient Roman settlement leveled by a volcano in 79 AD holds the key to the rise of Christianity, as a 79-year-old Jesus Christ emerges from exile to stop the subterranean Lavatorg.

Tagline. Get Pomped

Trivia

• Executives greenlit Pompeii despite focus group concerns that it was “too soon.”
• Upon viewing the ruins, director Paul W.S. Anderson was disappointed to learn there was no modern-day Pompeii. He remarked that the discovery “would hinder the sequel somewhat.”
• To deliver realistic lava movement, CGI artists began studying footage of water with red food coloring in it. Anderson grew quite fond of the footage, and it was used instead of CGI. This is why the lava looks ridiculous.
• Actor Kit Harington was given the lead role after surprising casting directors with a 20-minute, incredibly convincing performance of what it would look and sound like to be burned alive.
• Further investigation led to Harington’s arrest for a string of arson-related murders in the 1990s.
• The name of the movie was changed very late in development, from its original title “Magmapocalypse: Rise of the Lava Surfers.”

Mistakes

• Throughout the movie, characters refer to the settlement as “Pom-PEE-eye-EYE.”
• The citizens of Pompeii were not “Romulans.”
• Architectural Accident. Senator Impudius is leaning against a column when he answers his cellphone. The column is of the composite order, borrowing from both Ionic and Corinthian design. This style of column did not exist until 82 AD, three years later.
• Anachronism. Craxtus is felled by a fast-moving spear, as a rebel hundreds of yards away looks up from a high-powered scope. There were no snipers in 79 AD.
• “Pompeii” is not plural.
• Director’s trademark. Looking up from a meal in shock, mouth agape as a single unchewed shrimp tumbles out.
• Horses in the 1st Century were not much different from modern-day horses. They were not a dozen stories tall, nor were they “commonly used” to hide hundreds of soldiers inside. 
• Historical oversight. Although lava and ash killed all of the citizens of Pompeii, most of them were already dying of unbridled gonorrhea.
• In reality, the volcano that destroyed Pompeii was not stalking a corrupt legionnaire.
• Anachronism. Fashion magazines.
• Molten lava itself is not technically flammable, and would not be diverted by “fighting fire with fire.”
• Anachronism. “Beef Wellies.”
• The senate building did not have graffiti of penises and vaginas all over its walls. It is possible the location scout confused Pompeii’s brothel with the seat of government.
• There was no senate building in Pompeii. The screenwriter may have confused the small settlement with Rome.
• Breathing ash does not infect humans with “volcanism, which is causing them to vomit lava.”
• Anachronism. 540 on vert to varial method air.
• Anachronism. Fire extinguishers.
• Anachronism. Leonardo da Vinci.
• The title card “The End” appears four separate times throughout the movie.
• After-credits scene. A 21st Century city with skyscrapers and highways. Chyron: “Modern-day Pompeii.” A volcano pushes its way past a mountain range and strides into a bay, the earth shaking. Smash to black on a bloodcurdling volcano shriek.

Memorable Quotes

Craxtus. The people of Rome have lost their decency. The volcanoes are our punishment.
Cramulus Varigulus. The only thing causing volcanoes is your ignorance of the natural world, and Jupiter having sex with mountains.

Senator Impudius. With my power consolidated here in Pompeii, the capital of Rome, I shall send armies to the north to destroy the pharaohs of Egypt. Then… onto America.

Decimus Romulus Chimulus Bimulus. (drowning-in-lava noise)